50 Days of Meditation: Day 5

Today I went to a movie. During the movie, while my mind was fully preoccupied with entertainment, I had the realization that God, Bliss, Self, Happiness, whatever you want to call it was right inside me, immediate, immanent and accessible. There was no where to go to look for it, no one to pray to, nothing to strive for. It was here right with me; it was me. The only thing left to do is to release the illusion that I need to do something to access it. I have heard all of these words before, and I have understood them well and intellectualized them for a long time. But today I experienced them to be true. I felt connected to the whole room, like my aura was hugging every person in the theater. It was so thick it was palpable; I wondered at one point if people were going to look around to see what was going on.

For so long I have meditated hoping it would change the world. If I just reached a certain state, maybe I could be enough of a master to will the world around me to my liking. For the first time I am giving up on any attempt to change the world or its circumstances. I am letting it be. It is as it is. As for me, I will reside in the knowing that I am eternal, formless, changeless, immutable. This does not change my life circumstances immediately. But it gives me the energy, strength and courage to make any changes I desire, should I desire. But I do not need to change anything around me to perceive the fullness that resides within.

The more this sense of well being and inner power radiates from a person, the more others change without knowing why. People recognize it when they see it. When you are in the company of a person who can be with themselves completely and comfortably, a person who has owned and internalized his true nature, you desire that power. You perceive that you are in the presence of a better way. It’s true that the only way to change the world is to give up on the world and change yourself.

I am ready to begin today’s meditation. I already feel so connected that I’m wondering what’s left to accomplish today. I am meditating at work again, and it’s not as quiet around here as it was on day two. I assume a meditative posture and set my timer for one hour. I press start.

The first thing I notice is that there is no significant shift of consciousness. What I have been feeling all day is present with me as soon as I close my eyes. It’s a joy to sit like this. Since I am starting further down the track than I have before, I want to go further and deeper with my time today. I focus on the feeling of presence I have been nurturing all day. My goal is to focus on it singly and let all else drop away.

I focus for a while. Then I feel like I’m working too hard and I try to unfocus and just sit. I focus again. I unfocus again. Remind me how is this supposed to work? Now I’m losing it. I flip back and forth restlessly trying to determine which approach to use. How the hell am I supposed to focus and unfocus? I’m getting frustrated.

The answer hits like a ton of bricks: they are the same. Focus and unfocus are the same damn thing. They are the two sides of the focus/unfocus coin of duality. It’s not focus vs. unfocus; it’s neither focus nor unfocus. I throw away the entire matter and am immediately enlightened. I sit effortlessly in the absence of the concept.

In the other room a hear a person laughing. The same person has been laughing for the entire duration of my meditation. It is a coarse, nervous laugh, piercing and loud. I recognize that this should disturb me, but am rooted enough in my state of being that it does not bother me at all. I accept it and it finds no resistance in me. I have read that acceptance is forgiveness in the present; rather than resent and forgive, you simply bridge the process and accept. Powerful perspective. I accept all the sounds in my environment and they immediately lose their power over my concentration.

I remember a meditative practice that I read about years ago. Sit and imagine that you are dead and buried, and that a hundred years has passed since your life. You are long gone, no one has ever heard of you; your life was of no lasting consequence. Yet life goes on for all others. Sit as though you are not there. Let all things happen as they do.

I am aware of laughter but there is no one there to judge it; I am aware of all the ambient sounds in my workplace and nothing more. All things just happen as they do.

My hour has flown by. Time is up. Back to work. I feel like I’m glowing. I wonder if I look different – I feel like Moses coming down from the mountain with a radiant face. I’ll try to pay some of this good energy forward.


2 thoughts on “50 Days of Meditation: Day 5

  1. Meditating is a hard skill. It requires a tenacious discipline, but perhaps the more one practices, the easier it will get to sink into the mind and stay there.

  2. Pingback: 50 Days of Meditation: Day 8 | Matthew J. Summers

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