50 Days of Meditation: Day 3

Milieu notes on today’s meditation: I realize why this project feels more difficult than I anticipated: the writing interferes with the meditation. It is difficult to meditate deeply while writing notes. I worry more about the trajectory of the writing than with having authentic experiences. Today I will meditate single mindedly and write only as an afterthought.

I am still feeling the meditative effects of the last two days, and the benefits seem to be accumulating. I have connected with something constant within myself and now resonate with a deep sense of wellbeing. I have awakened to the changeless nature of my inner self and it now reassures me in all moments of the day. I am reminded of chapter 16 of the Tao:

Attain to utmost Emptiness. Cling single-heartedly to interior peace.
While all things are stirring together, I only contemplate the Return.
For flourishing as they do, each of them will return to its root.
To return to the root is to find peace. To find peace is to fulfill one’s destiny.
To fulfill one’s destiny is to be constant. To know the Constant is called Insight.

If one does not know the Constant, one runs blindly into disasters.
If one knows the Constant, one can understand and embrace all.
If one understands and embraces all, one is capable of doing justice.
To be just is to be kingly; To be kingly is to be heavenly;
To be heavenly is to be one with the Tao; To be one with the Tao is to abide forever.
Such a one will be safe and whole, even after the dissolution of his body.

Earlier in the day I watched a video of Papaji bringing a seeker into self awareness. His method impressed me and I am eager to reflect on it during today’s meditation. I transcribed the conversation from the video to better comprehend it:

What do you want? You wanted to sit so you sat. What next?
I want to see me.
You want to see bliss?
No, I don’t know what… me.
Me? Me? How to see it?
I don’t know.
You do not know. Where is me? Where is the thing you are? Where, where, where?
Inside. Here.
Right. That’s the place. Go there then. Go inside then. If it is inside go inside; if it is outside go outside. Now you say inside, go inside. Have you gone or no?
Then where are you?
Here [signaling all around her head and the room], all over.
Where are you then? How many miles away from inside? How many miles away from inside yourself? You want a plane? a car? a ship? What do you want to go inside? You want a flight, or to go by surface or road or by track? These are the ways you get from one place to another. Now to go inside, which do you prefer?
You can’t go like that.
You don’t need a ship, nor car, nor train, nor airplane. Why? Why?
Because it’s… there’s no distance.
No distance, ok. No distance. Don’t move now. No distance to yourself, don’t move. Don’t move. Don’t move. Do not start a thought because it is movement. Do not activate your mind because it is movement. Don’t move! Let your mind not move. Let your intellect not move for one second and tell me where you are – instantly, just now.
Speak up.
Here. Well done. Very good. Stay here. Stay here. This is bliss, happiness, freedom, enlightenment.
I am ready to begin. I sit in a meditative posture: legs crossed, hands folded in lap, spine erect, eyes close. Timer is set for one hour. I push start.
I begin by focusing on the here and now. It  takes only a minute of tight focus for the peripheral fuzz in my consciousness to fall away. The more tightly I hold to the here and now the more I must relinquish to stay there. I can’t daydream, I can’t expect, I can’t remember, I can’t predict, I can’t regret. I can only be. I resist giving these things up. But once I let them go I find they all detracted from the here and now, which is where the magic happens. When I am here and now, there is a sense of being completely at home, almost a fulfillment of nostalgic longing. There is connection, oneness, presence, stillness and peace.
The “just sitting” approach was the highlight of the meditation on day 2, and it is doing the trick again today. This is the opposite of what I always imagined meditation to be. I’m not trying harder, I’m not searching more; I’m giving up completely. Every effort pushes it away. I must embody the opposite of effort (acceptance?). I sit for many minutes in complete abdication. No distance to the self. Nothing to do to get there. And it cannot be otherwise.  Self awareness in the present moment – there is nothing I can add and nothing I could take away.
Suddenly things are effortless. I burst out laughing.
I feel my hands and forearms flush warm with blood as if a floodgate has been opened. I feel my blood pressure withdraw from my head and neck and come to rest in the chest. Inner silence overwhelms me. The sound of the outside world takes on a new form as it rings briefly and then fades into magnificent silence. I hear the waves of sound but I am twenty feet under the ocean.
Earlier I hesitated to surrender my thoughts and fears and hopes; now that I am empty of them I am more full than I can express. I am bursting. This is the opposite of the buzzing I felt on days one and two. It is levity, lightness, warmth and fullness ringing from me like a bell.
My time is up. I sit for ten extra minutes. I open my eyes and the room greets me as if it knows me. Now we’re getting somewhere.

3 thoughts on “50 Days of Meditation: Day 3

  1. Pingback: 50 Days of Meditation: Day 8 | Matthew J. Summers

  2. Pingback: 50 Days of Meditation: Day 9 | Matthew J. Summers

  3. Pingback: 50 Days of Meditation: Day 10 | Matthew J. Summers

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